Panda vs Aliens
by Kream45
Summary: An extremely accurate representation of what would happen if Li Li from World of Warcraft fought Abathur from Starcraft.


**/Been a while since I've done a crossover, but my friend convinced me that I should write a fanfic about my two favorite HoTS heroes./**

 **/edit: turns out Heroes of the Storm is a legitimate category, so it's not a crossover, lol./**

Li Li was sitting in her chair, sipping tea and reading a book about supernatural events. She read that there were cases of aliens around her area, spotted every ten years in the mountains, deep in Pandaria.

"Uncle Chen, come'ere!" she said.

"What's that, my niece-that-I-totally-don't-rape-every-night-at-all, please-don't-believe-what-the-media-is saying?" Chen replied and approached Li Li.

"This book says that every ten years, a UFO is spotted in the mountains behind our hut."

"I'm pretty sure this is as true as when I told you that a semen pie is a good desert and then you ate it and I laughed and never told you about it."

"But there have been eye-witnesses! Besides, tonight is the exact night ten years after their previous appearance!"

"Listen Li Li." Chen sat in the chair next to her and scratched his scrotum, "Aliens… are bullshit. You know what matters in life?"

"Is that incest sex between a 500 years old fat male Panda and a small female Panda that is like 7-8 years old?"

"Bitch I'm not that old, and also, this is not what I'm talking about. The thing that matters is… drugs and dank memes."

"That's two things."

"Alright now young lady, you've just made me really angry, and you know what happens when you anger me?"

"Umm…"

And then Chen's dick ripped through his pants, and he jumped on Li Li in order to release his fury on her ass. But Li Li used her weird Pandaren magic to teleport behind him and backstabbed him with a knife.

"Holy SHIT!" Chen shouted and coughed with blood, "No one has ever done that!"

"Uncle, you're really an idiot."

"Because I just got stabbed?" Chen said, he was about to die.

"It's because I'm not your niece."

"Dafuq?!"

"I'm actually a divine entity, I was brought into existence by the gods themselves, and I only acted like your niece in order to make you miserable."

"So you're saying… that I've never had any incest?!"

"Yes."

"This… is truly… *cough* the worst way to die… knowing that your whole life was pointless… fake… and, worst of all… with no incest." Chen said and those were his last words.

"Ha, stupid fat always-drunk geezer with a chode!" Li Li laughed, "If only he knew that I lied, and I'm actually his niece!"

And then Chen raised from the dead.

"OH SHIT!" Li Li screamed.

"Li Li, I've been brought back from the dead, because I have yet to rape you for the final time!" Chen said and laughed maniacally, "PREPARE YOUR ANUS!"

But Li Li just shot this nigga to death with her shotgun, which she always carried just in case of sudden undead rapists.

She then grabbed one hundred thousand packs of instant tea, packed them into a backpack and ventured into the mountains.

After three hours of walking, climbing and a few piss'n shit breaks, she arrived at the PEAK of the MOUNTAIN. I actually don't know what the name of the mountain was, I haven't really played much WoW. WHO CARES!

She spotted a bright, green light in the sky.

"Oh my Allah, they're actually here!" Li Li said and smiled, "I'm about to be the representative of the whole… planet. What was its name again?" she said and actually pulled out her smartphone and googled it, "Aaah, yes, Azeroth."

She grabbed her stick that she always carried with her and waved it at the UFO.

"Heey, aliens!" she shouted, "I'm here! Come and we'll talk a bit!"

And then a green light sucked her inside, and the UFO instantly launched into another galaxy, leaving Azeroth about 10 000 000 000 000 light-years behind.

"What the fuck is going on?" she said and grabbed her head. She looked around, but it was really dark inside.

"Umm, dear aliens, I'm pretty sure we can talk outside…" she said.

And then, the light was turned on, and Li Li was surrounded by terrifying monsters with green eyes and really long, alien dicks.

Then, some creature with fangs and creepy eyes came out.

"You. Step Forward." He said.

"Alright." Li Li said and approached him.

"You weak. You small. You need to evolve. We can improve you. We can make you a zerg." The creature said.

"Aight sick, but why don't we first introduce each other? My name's Li Li."

"Abathur. Evolution Master. Must evolve."

"Can you speak normally? Also, you're pretty scary, and why are all those aliens applying lotion on their dicks?"

"That's because you're not the one we're searching for." Abathur said, "We were looking for African-Americans, and you were the only one to show up. You looked black from the distance. Black people are very strong and agile, we wanted to combine our DNAs with theirs, to create ultimate evolution."

"I'm afraid African-Americans are fictional characters, they only exist in books and video games."

"So you're saying that we've been visiting your planet every ten years for nothing?"

"Yes."

"… uh-huh."

"Well it's been really nice and shit, but I reeeeaally need to get back home. Can you please release me?"

"It's not possible, we're already fifty trillion light-years away from your home."

"WELL SHIT."

"You're now gonna get raped by thousands of Zergs at the same time. Then, their semen will transform you into one of us, and you will become powerful."

"Sounds like a really good idea, but I'm afraid I will have to exterminate every single one of you." Li Li stated.

"… and what can an 8 year old fucking Panda like you do anyway?"

And then, Li Li summoned a big fucking kamikaze dragon, that destroyed every single Zerg, except for Abathur.

"Are you kidding me?" Abathur asked, "Why'd you choose that ultimate? The healing one is better."

"Not if I'm doing a damage build."

"You're a fucking SUPPORT, you're not supposed to deal any damage, fafing panda with a stick."

"I guess this is your end, Abathur." Li Li said and prepared her magic.

"I have to disagree. Take THIS!" And then Abathur did nothing, "… I forgot I'm useless by myself."

"DIE BITCH!" Li Li shouted and also did nothing, "… my mana is too low."

"Well, I guess we're just gonna become best friends and I'll just let you go, alrighty? C:"

"Sounds fine to me."

And then they hugged.

"… Hey, why can't I move?" Li Li asked and started struggling.

"That's because I applied a really strong glue on you, when you weren't looking."

"That's NOT FAIR!"

"Life is not fair, bitch." Abathur said and summoned an army of tentacles, "Tell me Li Li… have you ever seen hentai?"

"Of course I have, everyone had."

"And you know what happens in hentais where a girl is tied up and there's a whole lot of tentacles coming out from every corner?"

"No, please explain."

"Okay, so the girl has her pants removed, and then the tentacles crawl inside her pussy, and then her mouth, and then her ass. ALWAYS in that order, remember."

"You actually explained that, wow, and I was being sarcastic."

"Shall we start then?"

"NOT TODAY, BITCH NIGGA!" Li Li screamed and summoned a herd of Charizards, that burned the tentacles and attacked Abathur.

"How does that make ANY SENSE?!" Abathur shouted angrily.

"You forgot that in the world of shitpost fanfiction, everything is possible!" Li Li said and laughed.

"… really? Oh, ok. Then I summon a herd of Blastoises."

And then a herd of Blastoises appeared out of fucking nowhere and destroyed all Charizards with their water cannons.

"This is so retarded, we can go on like that forever." Li Li claimed.

"True." Abathur admitted, "How can we end this story then?"

Li Li thought for a while, and then came up with an interesting idea.

"How about we eat some chicken?"

"Oh shit nigga, I'm down."

And then they ate some delicious chicken, straight from KFC, and drank some Kool Aid with that. Then Li Li returned to Pandaria somehow and realized that she got stronger and more agile, thanks to the chicken and Kool Aid, so she decided to destroy the entire Azeroth. And so she did, and then she took a shit under a tree.

 **THE END**

Wow that was retarded.


End file.
